Oornology

Greetings, and I am Vincent Lariox. Well, let me start out with this. Have any of you seen the flying creatures known as "Oorn's" on Pitcairn Island? Well then, you are looking at the Children of a God. I am the current leader of the Church of Oorn, and the leading expert in Oornology. I shall begin with the origin of the Oorns.

Long ago, Before anything was created, there was The Holy Oorn Trinity. The trinity consists of The Father Oorn, the Mother Oorn, and the Holy Oorn. The Father Oorn created the earth, and all the things we know on it. He lives in a spot above the heavens. The Holy Oorn's dwelling is the earth, and he is all around us, even when we can not see him. The Mother Oorn created the Oorn Children, which are the Holiest of all Creatures that mortal eyes may see. She is also the one we pray and speak to, for she carries our prayers along to the Father Oorn. It is a sin to pray directly to the Father Oorn, for our prayers are too unholy to be in his presence. They must be consecrated by the Mother Oorn first.

Many questions arise when speaking about the history of the Oorn. I would advise you to ask them here, and I will answer them to the best of my knowledge. Now, the modern study of Oornology, is the science of the Oorn, which are the Children of the Mother Oorn. Only one has ever been killed, and it has been by the blasphemous "Wodan Warrior". They resemble a mollusk, of some sort. Certain scholars believe that they may be made in the form of the Mother Oorn, but no-one is quite certain.

The Oorn's ability to float is made by some concoction of gases in its bladder, enabling it to propel it's self. Methane and Hydrogen are the two most commonly thought-to-be used gases in the bladder. Its ability is very much like the German U-boat. I am to guess that German scientists studied a Child of Oorn in order to create the U-Boat.

The skin of the Oorn is almost inpenatrable, especially in it's bladder region. (In other words, you couldn't pop it without artillery of some sort.) As to why you would want to kill one of these marvelous creatures, I am not certain. The defense of the Oorn is a potent concoction of chemicals, sprayed out by unknown means upon its target. The chemicals cause almost INSTANT digestion.

And Oorn is god. The end. You should all worship Oorn. End of Story.

Praise be the Oorns!

The Oorn 10 Commandments

1.Thou shalt not have any Gods before me.
2. Thou shalt honor thy Mother (Oorn) and Father (Oorn)
3. Thou shalt obey my commands, no matter what the cost.
4. Thou shalt never doubt the faith of Oorn.
5. Thou shalt not murder thy fellow believers.
6. Thou shalt not steal from thy fellow believers.
7. Thou shalt not covet what other believers may have.
8. Thou shalt spread the Word of Oorn across my Earth.
9. Thou shalt respect and idolize the Children of the Mother Oorn.
10. Thou shalt appropriately punish any believer who breaks these laws.

Warning to All believers: If by some reason you break any of my sacred commandments, repent, lest you be thrown in the Pit of Oblivion at Judgment Day.

Warning to All Non-Believers: Thou shalt be thrown into the pit of Oblivion on Judgment Day for not following my rules. Repent, and I shall forgive your sins. Do not test my patience, though, for my judgment shall be painful and long.

(Pitcairn Island, c:700 b.c.)

Loyalty

Oorn describes loyalty very simply, with only a few words;
"Get back in line slave, and start screaming for mercy! Ahahahaha!"

But having said these holy words, now I shall move on to a more modern situation; Your wife/girlfriend/best pal invites you to go to his/her church.

For all other problems, ask me, or ask "What would the Champion of Oorn do?"

Update

An ancient document has been uncovered near the opening to the Abandoned Complex. This document has been dated, and comes from the time period in which the 2nd Champion of Oorn was alive. The document states several things, in which the most important thing recovered was that Humans are NOT the Father Oorn's 3rd Most favorite thing. Instead, Red Ants are said to be his 3rd. Humans have been bumped down to 5th. In 4th are the "Ulthar"

Oorn be praised.
Vincent Lariox

Q: If there is only one god, why are there so many beliefs? And why are there so many different priests and holy men building so many different churches for so many different believers? But then - why are there so many non-believers? And why are so many of these so-called 'non-believers' sinners? And if there are so many sinners, why doesn't JUST ONE of these gods do something about this, and wipe them from the face of the earth?

Because there wouldn't be many priests or holy men left to build so many different... etc

A: Because other churches lied or misinterpreted the Word of Oorn, and thereforth made their own beliefs. 2. Because some are unbelieving to the word of Oorn, and only the Father Oorn picks the chosen ones to come to him. You may think you pick him, but he picks you. 3. There is only one god, the Oorn trinity. And he doesn't kill all the sinners because humans are the Father Oorn's 3rdmost favorite creature that he (and the Mother Oorn) created. 1st is the Oorn. 2. Old Ones. 3. Humans. And also because he is just, and fair. (Though not always to those who have incurred his wrath.)

Q: So, let me see if I have this correct...

1. A god (such as Father Oorn) only lets people in because they worship him, not because they are necessarily good?
2. Having never been spoken to by god, does that mean I am neither good nor bad?
3. I am is Jesus AND Buddha?
4. Remote's were around in 1900?
5. Was it important which lawyer died first? And who cares?
6. If Cthulhu is god, did he just eat himself?

A: 1.Yes. Since no matter how good we are, we're still sinful, so we need a "buffer" if you will.
2. It means the Oorn trinity did not want to contact you.
3. No, he's on crack.
4. I dont think they were...
5. It's not important. Noone cares.
6. He isn't god. And he didnt eat god.

Q: Cthulhu is a god, which makes him different from God, the god most people worship in some form (God is very original with names). As for remotes, they weren't around in the 1900's but God, being a god, still found a way to get one.
The Jesus/Buddha argument works for anyone and everyone. Also, I think it might be valid, since Buddha is supposed to be reflected in every holy person, even those of other faiths (or something like that).
Finally, it is not important which lawyer died first, but I had to make eight points, because seven is a slightly unlucky number.

A: Cthulhu ain't no God. Oorn is.

Q: I'm pretty sure Cthulhu is a Lesser God. Why don't you go find him and ask him?

A: The Mother Oorn uses Cthulhu as her thrall.

Q: The game page claims,"Earth is one of the few inhabited planets in the universe as yet unconquered by Cthulhu".

A: So..? The Oorn's live somewhere different. The Heavens, if you will. And if Cthulhu offended the Father Oorn or Mother Oorn, they would just wipe him off the face of the earth.

Q: So since I'm terribly blasphemous against your precious Oorn deity, why haven't I been smited (smote? smitten?) yet? I am claiming to be a God older and more powerful than your god, so shouldn't that make me a threat or at least an insult to their divine power? So far I haven't been blasted out of existance by an angry Oorn. If that happens, I'll be sure to let you know.

Ia, Ia, Azathoth F'taghn! Azathoth F'taghn!

And no, I am not on acid, although the emptiness of cosmic chaos can be quite exhilarating.

A: Because he simply wishes not to smite you at this time. A girl on acid isn't much of a threat, you know.

Q: You never know.... At any rate, I find your argument quite unconvincing, (as well as perhaps a bit predictable ) because absolutely anything may be explained by saying "the great Oorn does/does not wish it to be." I personally believe that that encourages fatalism, and makes ones mortal servants quite useless, becuase they tend to end up sitting around and waiting for a sign for them to do something, rather than having any initiative or motivation.

I think that blind faith and exceptionalism have caused most of the religious wars in the short history of humankind. Although, religious wars do tend to cause massive chaos... But then blind faith that interprets every least event as stemming directly from God's will leaves not much room for chaos in the mind. In my experience (which is great) Gods usually do not spend their time placing rocks where they will trip unsuspecting mortals or organizing plates of eggs inte their images. Well, okay, a few of them do that, but mostly the frivolous ones.

Also, just to be clear, I am not implying that the Oorn is not a God, just that it is not the only one.

A: Oorn is the only god. And your fate is chosen by him, and him alone.

Q: And that is the exact same argument used by most major religions (Except Judaism, but that's different, because Judiasm is part religion and part law, so every Jew is really a lawyer. Scary. )

It is the same as my Jesus/Buddha arguments.

Ultimately, a god you know about isn't a god, just an extremely powerful being. A god does not have its, his, or her, existence proven. That is what religion comes down to: the decision whether to belive in a greater, unprovable, mysterious power based on a hunch, or to stick to the limited world of stuff you know (or, rather, think you know).

The choice is individual. If Vincent wants to believe an imaginary gas bag is his god, he is just as correct as everyone else.

A: Whoa there buddy. If you give me enough time, I shall give you proof of the Word of Oorn. And the Christian Bible can replace mostly the word "God" with "Oorn". Except some things in that are false, but Genesis and Revelations (mostly) are correct. And noone worships Buddha, by the way. He is the "Enlightened One". He's kinda like the priest of Buddhism. (Imaginary Gasbag? Your suffering shall be great in the pit of Oblivion. Repent! Repent Now!)

Christian beliefs were copied off the Oornology beliefs. What the Catholics know today as "St.Peter", was in actuality a very evil man. He was a lower priest of Oornology, when he split away from the Church. He then created what we know today as "Christianity".

Oorn be praised.

Q: Only just got round to checking these (many) replies, so a little behind, but here goes...

1. Ah, the old 'What I say is correct, and if you don't agree just go away' argument (or lack of, come to that).

2. If I should take my pessimism somewhere else, perhaps you should take your ramblings of 'an ultimate being' having spoken to you somewhere else. May I suggest your local asylum?

3. There is a logical flaw in most of the statements I make - that's why I do it! But at least it makes you think clearly about the statement enough to write a response to it. Hopefully, this helps you sleep at night too. (It does me!)

4. You say science and religion are two seperate things, but I disagree. Science and religion are both based on a belief system (your own words) and you can switch the argument round the other way and the principles are still correct - Science is a luxury, it can be used to increase your happiness (save lives, increased leisure time) or to motivate you. Religion is a tool - it can be used to build great things (cathedrals, a faith system), and to learn great things (morals, a civilized social structure).

5. Hopefully, I haven't tried to convert anyone to anything, unlike certain extreme factions. I am not passionate about this subject - to be honest, I don't give a chuff about any of this.

6. My apologies - I didn't realise you were being serious about ANY of this - I know I certainly wasn't! Don't take any of what I say for granted, as the views of the writer are not necessarily endorsed by the writer. All I am trying to do here is help you sleep at night. Whether my comments are realistic here matters not.

7. Jeez - that Oorn character doesn't half love himself, doesn't he? 'Praise me', 'Worship me', 'bow down before me'... very self-centered. Doesn't he have any practical commandments to set his fanatics, such as how to live their lives, or follow any moralistic values? Sounds to me like a five year old child in a temper tantrum screaming 'Me! Me! Me!'

8. Seriously, don't take what I say to heart - this is just my way of having five minutes of fun. But it's nice to see so many (and so few so often) getting involved in this thread. Now - get back to the game!

And in the words of that old Irish comedian Dave Allen... "May your God go with you!"

A: 1. Well, I still can't just say "Oorn is mighty" and everyone will believe. You have to have your eyes opened by the Oorn.
2. ...If you don't want to believe, you don't have to. Your eyes were clearly not opened by the Oorn.
3. That's correct.
4. Science and Religion are very close.
5. That's unfortunate.
6. ?
7. He demands loyalty. And he does have practical commandments, I just haven't mentioned any. You can't base religion on one sermon.

Q: 1. And yet you try to!
2. Clearly, and that was very gracious of you to allow me that option.
3. I must have said that wrong or something - you agreed with me!
4. Surely they are the same? Isn't Scientology a religion?
5. Thank you
6. I was referring to 'I am's' comment about the forum helping him sleep at night.
7. I thought you were quoting commandments, not a sermon? Or is there no distinction to this in the eyes (opened or closed) of Oorn?
8. I am REALLY looking forward to page 10 of this thread!

A: 1. Well, yes. I'm going to TRY to convert people. I don't HAVE to though.
2. It's not my decision.
3. I meant yes, there is a flaw in your statements.
4. Scientology has nothing to do with science...They believe in Aliens like coming and rebuilding people...
5. Alrighty then.
6. Ah.
7. I was quoting commandments, my sermon was the commandments. When Oorn opens your eyes, you are one of his chosen.
8. Believe me, it'll go on past that.

Ah yes, and Today marks the beginning of "6 Oorn days of Terror" in which believers dress up in a red suit, then invade people's soot pipes, and spread skin searing paste on them. For every soot pipe invaded, you get 10 shillings from one of the Church Elders. It's an alternative to sacrifices =/.

Q: Is there anything that the Oorn forbid?

A: Yes, there are many things.

Q: I take it Oorn does not forbid procrastination.

A: Not really.

Q: Why do I get the feeling Oorn likes green? And turning people green?

A: 1. Because Green is a good color.
2. Because turning people green is fun, and somewhat harmless.

Q: Now, what I'm wondering is why Oorn, which is supposed to be on another planet, has chosen to make Pitcairn Island it's Earthly Headquarters.

A: Not another planet, but another realm all together. Heavens, if you will. And I was the one who chose where the guildhouse went, and I wanted it to be close to the children of Oorn.

Q: Yes, but why are the Children of Oorn on Pitcairn?

A: I'm....not sure. I will pray for knowledge in learning this matter.

Q: While you're at it, I've noticed an octopoid face in the woodgrain of my bathroom door, and I'm trying to figure out if it's Cthulhu, Oorn, or six.

Can you tell me:

1) How many tentacles do physical manifestations of Oorn have?

2) Do physical manifesstations of Oorn appear to have eyes?

3) Do physical manifestations of Oorn have any afinity to people wearing bowler hats?

A: 1. It varies.
2. ....maybe?
3. Yes. And they also like the letters V, and L

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